Being “Seen”
Is not the same as being looked at
We all have very primitive needs.
It’s part of our flawed human design, and contentment is often found under our noses beyond what we “think” we need
The superficial and impermanent things.
We all sometimes outsource that happiness too.
Does it really matter what appears to make others happy if doesn’t make us?
Is the goal happiness or is it peace?
It’s not realistic to shoot for happiness all the time, emotions aren’t inherently “good” or “bad” and there’s no experiencing the heights of joy without the depths of desperation and despair.
We all have aspects of ourselves we feel are different.
We all have areas we feel insecure about.
We all want to feel seen, heard, accepted, and connected.
Seeing and feeling seen, recognised, understood, and accepted for who we are.
It can be an empowering experience that can lead to feelings of connection, trust, acceptance, and belonging.
Happiness is...
Subjective, right??
One of the biggest lies we’re led to believe is that we are supposed to be happy all the time.
Is it a choice?
Fundamentally true, and possibly should be, but a little more complex.
Different for everyone, but there’s more to life than chasing arbitrary numbers.
Scale weight
Bank balance
Weight lifted
Calories eaten
Steps counted
The ground covered, etc.
These are things that can, of course, be part of your life.
It becomes a little trickier when they become all-consuming and the sole reason for doing anything each day.
There’s some joy in just...
Being
For the fun of it.
Just because.
For no other reason.
To me, true joy is being present and just forgetting all that other stuff we get fixated on.
Admittedly I’m not always great at doing that but knowing better isn’t always doing better.
Drivers are positive, but they have to be purposeful drivers.
A means to an end, sometimes there has to be an end.
Sometimes the means are enough, but when losing weight;
“To what end?” is a helpful question for any pursuit
You can’t continue to lose weight forever with the sole ambition of getting smaller and smaller.
Until you disappear?!
“Mo money”
A bottomless void.
Money can buy experiences (pay energy bills, fuel, contribute to the extortionate cost of living), and it serves a purpose towards the shelter and security that accompanies it.
A foundational need not all are in control of.
Beyond that… how much more time are you willing to give up to make that extra money that is detracting from other life experiences?
There are many of these.
When is enough?
When are YOU enough?
Do those goals align with personal values?
What’s the return on investment?
Is it an Investment or a cost?
Most associate cost with sacrifice, not compromises.
That’s using sand as a foundation for building your house.
A cost is an expense.
Subtraction of a whole.
A minus.
A sacrifice that might result in the detriment of something else.
Resentment further down the line.
The cost of what once was.
Language is important. How we better, positively frame and justify our choices is essential too.
Choice
Investment
Not everyone has the freedom or privilege of making either.
A common misconception is that you have to enjoy every single part of every process you adopt.
I don’t agree with this, you have to see the value in it.
How many times have you invested time and energy into something despite not loving it because sometimes we have to 🤷🏻♂️
Liking it is a bonus, maybe loving it solidifies intent and increases the likelihood of completion, but...
You won't always love it.
Part of that happiness conundrum is the expectations we have.
Often ambitious, because they’re encouraged to be since most of us can remember and whilst I can acknowledge limiting beliefs are something that holds many of us back, we can sometimes lose the art of accepting achievement in the less arduous struggles in life, “hustle culture” has led us to believe is necessary.
We chase ‘health’ when health anxiety is at an all-time high, in the pursuit of ‘happiness’ except most would do better to realise the happiness they seek doesn’t involve looking different, it’s feeling different…
That doesn’t always mean looking different.
Do we have the ability to take a bad day and make it better with a simple switch of perspective?
That can be hugely empowering right?
Sometimes we do things to be liked and overvalue positive reinforcement from others.
Social reinforcement and acceptance.
We all need some of it.
The problem here is that we’re always reliant on extrinsic factors often out of our control.
Ever shared something you’ve put a lot of effort into on social media only to find it’s had little engagement and felt deflated?
I have.
Positivity can be the tougher option and getting lost in negativity biases with the overwhelming crappy-ness of certain situations can feel like the default choice.
For many, that default is part of our make-up long before we can remember, and formed by external influences. A self-protective, maladaptive practiced habit formed.
How much have weathered from your past and survived?
How many times has a situation that caused you angst turned out to be less than half the battle you told yourself it was going to be?
We catastrophise and ruminate on the worst possible outcome, bypassing all the potential positives and shades of grey in between.
How much more have you been capable of than you ever thought possible?
Positive emotions facilitate intrinsic motivation.
We can’t always choose our emotions, but we can modify, interpret, and vary how we apply them in our behaviour and attitude.
So long and short - Like happiness, the choice to be positive should be an inside job.
It’s all a matter of perspective we’re in control of even when life feels out of control.
We have a choice to dwell on the negative aspects of what might be, or we can decide how we respond to adversity and focus on the positives.
I can now reflect on my time in aesthetics-based sport and candidly, being entirely truthful, with you, the reader, and myself, and recognise I was looking for connection in the hope of it bringing me some peace and feeling valued in all the wrong places.
A childhood of feeling invisible.
I… well, wanted to be visible, but being looked at is not the same as feeling seen.
I'd hazard a guess I'm not the only one.